am i asking to much ?

i just wanna be loved and cared for. is that to much to ask ? things gotten better after encounter but with one person i wanted things to get better, it got way worse. i give love and in return i get pain. is that fair ? did i do something wrong to deserve something like this. is it a bad thing for me to be in a good relationship or is it another punishment. am i allowed to be happy? or is it illegal just for me ? cuz im just that special these days. so special that i get the total opposite of what i want.

F A T.

soo i've been eating properly. i guess its good right ? me never eating properly before. so i got this comment from my bestestfriend saying that ive been eating more then usual. im not mad at that person but i feel so much heavier. like i guess it jsut broke my spirit a lot. now i don't feel like eating at all. its not his fault im just feel so much heavier. yeaah so me being emotional person i broke down a lot ! i really need him to be here right now and tell me im not fat and that im good enough for him. i feel so unwanted and me being heavier i feel that no one would want me now. i have this party and my costume is fitting but now you can see all my stomach lines and my fat hanging out. i feel so huge ! soooo big. i thought it was a good thing me eating again all meals properly. but today, when i looked at my stomach and my sides i felt so big and that i dont fit in anywhere. not fit in as physical but like yenno. it sucks a lot ! i want to accept the way i look but its hard when im not happy with it. in general, i havent been happy. a week away from my birthday ! wooots. but its the worse month for some reason. almost got seperated from the guy that means the most to me and to make matters worse i haven't seen him for a while ! not his fault just got to get use to it since school is super important right now. i will be waiting. so while you havent seen me in a while i should lose my weight. me being around you and my friends i feel like the biggest ! my boyfriend is so much more skinnier then me and its just weird. cuz i imagine the girl being skinnier then the boy.like i dont belong at all. today i made fat jokes about myself but now when i think about it i brought my spirit even more down. and i regret it cuz now im hurting a lot.

i wish i was just the perfect weight. someone that just blends in not stands out from the rest.

last night.

Offically missing you,
So into you,
Really need you.

Im just waiting for your call. I want to know you that you really do want to talk to me. I wish you can call me right now. I want to know everything will be okay, and that this whole thing willl get better. I didn't mean to get you that mad. It's just everytime there's me against someone else i feel that your not on my side even if its not my fault. So, thats why i got even more upset. i wasn't talking my anger on them, i just wanted you to myself



IMAGINE.

me, always out 24/7 with a phone and you staying home all day studying. Wouldn't you wonder what im doing and why i could not talk to you. Wouldn't it bother you that im spending more time with them and not you. Don't say " no i would be fine" because you haven't seen it actually from my angle, never really ACTUALLY lived the way i do. I know that i put you to the position of yelling because you get frustrated and everything but it hurts to know that when im crying in tears all you are doing is just yelling back and not relaxing and realizing what im going through.

YES, i know that im really emotional and all i do is cry but still i need you to put yourself in my position and see how i feel.

although, when im done with the tears i think about everything you've done for me and it stays on my mind. When we fight all i do is think of the good things to forget about what went work. I am greatful for you and glad that everything we've been through your still here for me. I want you to call me, i want to know that your waiting for 7pm when your free and call me asap so i can feel important. you know i don't get it from y family and thats why i depend on you to:

-care for me
-love me unconditionally
-make me feel important

and everything else. I know you do but i like to hear it too.

ILOVEYOU.

September 24, 2009

today was so random. went to school like always and holy snap 250 people were missing. Then people felt like there wasnt any point to being in school so they everyone just started leaving one by one and some people that were so dumb left in a group ! At lunch boyfriend and friends came to my school. i felt so bad though, i wish i just skipped with him. next time i will when he comes by himself. that will be worth skipping for i guess. well, what else ? oh yeah after school we hanged around the cafeteria sitting around doing nothing. it was for kat but then she had volleyball early so there was no point basically but we kept her company for a while. Then we went to metro cuz boyfriend wanted to meet with other people. MORE GIRLS YAY ! sarcasm whatever. it was funny though cuz we saw them outside UB and then after michael didn't want to hold my hand at all ! then i told him, and finally he did. gosh it was obvious i wanted him to hold my hand goosh ! o wells, babes is slow. maybe im just being paranoid. it better be.ooh yeah i bought jeans ! boyfriend paid for some of it. ( thanks bhe) . We walked around for a while and then later on i find out that those girls was one of the guys girlfriend. wooots, my boyfriend is hanging out with a bunch a girls who think there pretty. it was funny though cuz they kept on staring at me and i didnt really care. whatever so odd -_-'' . i wanted to get along with pilos girlfriend ( mikos friend) but seems as if she didn't want to be. so fine shes going to be rude then i will too. just kidding she wasn't rude she was probably just shy. hopefully ! anyways, yeaah so when we were about to leave those girls were staring and laughing. me and marie were like "Wtf" so then when we were going down i decided to start laughing randomly too ! it was so hilarious cuz they stopped. o wells. i know i can be bitchy sometimes but they brought it out ! so not my fault. i didn't do anything wrong (: am i right ? you know i am (: anyways, im done. for now

September 23rd [ later in the day ]

There's days when I feel that I should not be here anymore although i am. Don't get me wrong i love being around my boyfriend, family and friends but theres days when i dont understand why im still living. that might sound dumb cuz the obvious reason is that im only 15 and i have so much to live for but i lost the feeling of seeing the importance of my life. The start of highschool i was never a good student. i did my homework once in a while and did not try the best i can. over time i became a stronger student. Last year i made first honours getting a passport which means that i have 250 dollars towards the college or university of my choice. my mom already planned my life. after highschool im going to be a nurse with a masters degree or a doctor at my own clinic. big expectations and thats what probably worries me. i wont do the best that people want me to do. don't get me wrong, i know people are believing in me but it just that its becoming pressure and i dont enjoy seeing my future as much as before. you probably dont get it. i don't i was proud of what i was going to be later in my years but now i don't even know whats going on tmrw. see, i have this boyfriend who i love so much and he means so much to me. theres days when we never get along and we just stop talking and the following day pretend its nothing. some people say im lucky cuz i have everything i wanted but no its not true. have you ever been outside all night just hanging with your friends having a good time not worrying about whats going to happen or what time is it. well, i never experienced something like that. no matter where my mom is in the world she has like a navigator on me. i know odd, but she knows where i am every second of the day. your probably saying " what a good mom" and im glad but sometimes i need time to breathe some space. i love my mom don't get me wrong shes cool at some points but usually strict but she will always be my mom. yesterday after i left my friends house i went for a walk. i wasnt trying to rebel i just needed to clear things out. see whats worth keeping and whats worth crying over. i realized so much.

one :i cant get whatever i want even if its something small.
two: i will never be perfect in everything i want to do.
three: there's times when i can't be with you always.
four: as much as i have so much space you need yours.
five: life my suck, but i got to suck it up.

five things and much more i realized that night actually that early in the morning. I just want to have a normal life. I may act like nothings wrong but inside im just a girl, thats trying to make it through the day. behind this smile, is something more deeper. something that i will never you or i would never understand. i may hate life once in a while but i need to be strong not only for me but for my dad. hes the main reason well one main reason why i put up with this lifestyle. he cant walk, do anything but sit around all day and im, im like his parent. never thought i would be taking care of him this early but, i guess some people, teen in my case have to take responsibility early and realize whats more important. but dont i deserve a break ? i think i do. i want people to cut me some slack sometimes but i want them to treat me normally. i want to be love but i cant always be. i want to feel a sense of importance and meaning to my life then just someone who
--> goes to school
--> comes home
--> studies
--> takes care of brother, sister and dad
--> talk on the phone and then sleep.

i want to look forward to something new and exciting.

-behing this smile, is something deeper.

September 23rd 2009

so tired. went home around 1 am 2. headed to maries house and then for a walk. i've become a disappointment to my family and now to my boyfriend. i wish i wasn't. i've been selfish thinking about my feelings and didn't realize that i was hurting him. yesterday sucked like hell. im so stupid. punched the wall and made a mark -_-'' i know im so emotional. deal with it ! HAHAH. wanted to get his attention but should have backed off because he was studying. goodness. but i redeemed myself hopefully. went to go out. gastown bought a shirt for him (: . matching ! i know gay, so what ! going to buy some skinnies. black ones hopefully ! im so tired. want to sleep but i don't wanna miss your call. i miss you. i hope i get to see you tmrw. AUDITIONS TMRW ! im going to be so sweaty. HAHAHA o wells, im so out of shape i need it anyways. going back to what happen yesterday. well, im the type of girl that loves it when they do the smallest things. like for example, ask how im doing and how was school and junk. shows that they care even more. i know he does but yenno, it feels good. like when your hubby or wifey says " i love you " it makes you go yenno, tingly and happy and shit ! you know what im talking about. if you dont then probably you haven't found your special person. but what do i know. im only 15 hahaha (: anywhoo, i like roses ! yellow mostly though. so different or or yellow orangey red yenno what im talking about. i love my boyfriend (: teehee. sometimes he can be mean and make fun of me and treat me like im a baby [ si bhee (: ] inside joke LOL i still love that piece of nasty. jsut kidding hes not nasty. hes good lookin ;) and mine buttcracks. hahah (: you make me so jealous. everytime we go out i have to look as good as you. i rather wear sweatpants but instead i dress all fancy and such so that you will be like ooo shit hey girlfriend! HAHAH (: yenno. then i would blush. overall, i want to say that im really sorry for the way that things turned out yesterday. let me make it up to you by showing you why its worth staying with me. i know we have our fights and arguements but "i rather have bad times with you, then good times with someone else" right right ? SEEE.

ANOTHER THING....

i got fucking mustard ketchup and other things on my uniform. it was all over the place. i dont know how it showed there but it was so retarded ! had to take it off adn walk home in my tank. so embarassing. flat chested girl here x) hahaha. o wells ! what else, yeaaap me and marie walked so much. mom kept on calling. hilarious ! loved kathleens laugh today. very enjoyable. hahha " monica, do you know tittyana" LOL isnt that hilarious ? well it is. (: well thats basically it.

september 21st 2009

not the kind of girl that does this but decided to try it :D anywhoo, today was so boring nothing new. was alone at lunch for 10 minutes eating my lunch because friend had to get food. thanks again -_-''. suppose to had dance tryouts but didn't happen because no teachers. i know i suck at dance and still trying out. AHAHH (: i need to get the hours to graduate and dance is all i got in that school. i know so sad. been called poser twice now and really i dont give a fuck honestly. i know im such a hater need to cool down. whatever. kaay really i dont care if im a poser. if it bothers you then dont look through my pictures. simple. i love taking pictures cuz i dont look like shit when i do it. suck my penis for all i care ! HAHAH, i dont have one by the way. whatever, you guys are gay. what else is new ? oooh watching season five of one tree hill. so sad payton and lucas should be dating ! grr, but i know there going to get married s'all good. i should be out shopping right now with mariegaypantaleon. HAHAH (: but mother is to gay also to let me go out. whatever. my stockings are not greent there gray it even said on the label when i bought it " gray tights " that means its color is gray. DUUUH ! i can read maybe suck at spelling but i can read. should be working on religion homework but to hard. i miss him ! daaang, what is he doing ? cant call him hes out with his friends. he needs his guy time. but no more girlfriend boyfriend time since hes been busy with friends and school o yeah and family. i just study cuz really, i have nothing else to do.

point : if being a camwhore bothers you then, don't look. simple (:
not trying to be mean btw