September 23rd [ later in the day ]

There's days when I feel that I should not be here anymore although i am. Don't get me wrong i love being around my boyfriend, family and friends but theres days when i dont understand why im still living. that might sound dumb cuz the obvious reason is that im only 15 and i have so much to live for but i lost the feeling of seeing the importance of my life. The start of highschool i was never a good student. i did my homework once in a while and did not try the best i can. over time i became a stronger student. Last year i made first honours getting a passport which means that i have 250 dollars towards the college or university of my choice. my mom already planned my life. after highschool im going to be a nurse with a masters degree or a doctor at my own clinic. big expectations and thats what probably worries me. i wont do the best that people want me to do. don't get me wrong, i know people are believing in me but it just that its becoming pressure and i dont enjoy seeing my future as much as before. you probably dont get it. i don't i was proud of what i was going to be later in my years but now i don't even know whats going on tmrw. see, i have this boyfriend who i love so much and he means so much to me. theres days when we never get along and we just stop talking and the following day pretend its nothing. some people say im lucky cuz i have everything i wanted but no its not true. have you ever been outside all night just hanging with your friends having a good time not worrying about whats going to happen or what time is it. well, i never experienced something like that. no matter where my mom is in the world she has like a navigator on me. i know odd, but she knows where i am every second of the day. your probably saying " what a good mom" and im glad but sometimes i need time to breathe some space. i love my mom don't get me wrong shes cool at some points but usually strict but she will always be my mom. yesterday after i left my friends house i went for a walk. i wasnt trying to rebel i just needed to clear things out. see whats worth keeping and whats worth crying over. i realized so much.

one :i cant get whatever i want even if its something small.
two: i will never be perfect in everything i want to do.
three: there's times when i can't be with you always.
four: as much as i have so much space you need yours.
five: life my suck, but i got to suck it up.

five things and much more i realized that night actually that early in the morning. I just want to have a normal life. I may act like nothings wrong but inside im just a girl, thats trying to make it through the day. behind this smile, is something more deeper. something that i will never you or i would never understand. i may hate life once in a while but i need to be strong not only for me but for my dad. hes the main reason well one main reason why i put up with this lifestyle. he cant walk, do anything but sit around all day and im, im like his parent. never thought i would be taking care of him this early but, i guess some people, teen in my case have to take responsibility early and realize whats more important. but dont i deserve a break ? i think i do. i want people to cut me some slack sometimes but i want them to treat me normally. i want to be love but i cant always be. i want to feel a sense of importance and meaning to my life then just someone who
--> goes to school
--> comes home
--> studies
--> takes care of brother, sister and dad
--> talk on the phone and then sleep.

i want to look forward to something new and exciting.

-behing this smile, is something deeper.