F A T.

soo i've been eating properly. i guess its good right ? me never eating properly before. so i got this comment from my bestestfriend saying that ive been eating more then usual. im not mad at that person but i feel so much heavier. like i guess it jsut broke my spirit a lot. now i don't feel like eating at all. its not his fault im just feel so much heavier. yeaah so me being emotional person i broke down a lot ! i really need him to be here right now and tell me im not fat and that im good enough for him. i feel so unwanted and me being heavier i feel that no one would want me now. i have this party and my costume is fitting but now you can see all my stomach lines and my fat hanging out. i feel so huge ! soooo big. i thought it was a good thing me eating again all meals properly. but today, when i looked at my stomach and my sides i felt so big and that i dont fit in anywhere. not fit in as physical but like yenno. it sucks a lot ! i want to accept the way i look but its hard when im not happy with it. in general, i havent been happy. a week away from my birthday ! wooots. but its the worse month for some reason. almost got seperated from the guy that means the most to me and to make matters worse i haven't seen him for a while ! not his fault just got to get use to it since school is super important right now. i will be waiting. so while you havent seen me in a while i should lose my weight. me being around you and my friends i feel like the biggest ! my boyfriend is so much more skinnier then me and its just weird. cuz i imagine the girl being skinnier then the boy.like i dont belong at all. today i made fat jokes about myself but now when i think about it i brought my spirit even more down. and i regret it cuz now im hurting a lot.

i wish i was just the perfect weight. someone that just blends in not stands out from the rest.